299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.