299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

I'll do anything usually if there's money involved and little work.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.