299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing... the line you are not to cross.

Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown.

I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.