299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey, at least I'm not pregnant

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.