1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes to get a beer.

Another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet at the office.

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

On Valentine's Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays-fear.

Dogs do not grasp the concept of house cleaning.

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

Here in the news media, our focus is on speed. When we get hold of some new and possibly inaccurate information, our highest priority is to get it to you, the public, before our competitors do. If the news media owned airlines, there would be a lot less concern about how many planes crashed, and a lot more concern about whose plane hit the ground first.