1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

Database: the information you lose when your memory crashes.

Eventually everyone has to die, except Elvis.

I always assumed that at some point I would have to quit making jokes, get a real job and do something meaningful and productive that would actually benefit society. Fortunately this never happened.

As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Each year, millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.