1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

You don't have to think really hard to get the joke. I think humor in general appeals to all people.

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

When doctors describe pain as experiencing "discomfort," it's like saying Hiroshima experienced "urban renewal".

To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.

People in the computer industry use the term 'user,' which to them means 'idiot.'

We are talking about mutated women, the result of cruel genetic experiments performed by fashion designers so lacking in any sense of human decency that they think nothing of putting their initials on your eyeglass lenses. The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. If a normal woman puts on clothing designed for these unfortunate people, she is quite naturally going to look like Revenge of the Pork Person.

I really try to think cinematically, because that's how people read. They create a theater in their minds.

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"