1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

The story of the eighties will be the story of the Reagan administration and the many men and women who served in it, some of whom are already out on parole.

When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was - prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates!

... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.

Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless.

To enter Europe, you must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like you are being booked on charges of soliciting sheep.

Your friends love you anyway.