1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

Of all the wonderful things government says, that's always been just about my favorite. As opposed to if you get to keep the money. Because what you'll do is go out and bury it in your yard, anything to prevent that money from creating jobs. They never stop saying it.We will say, "This is expected to create x number of jobs." On the other hand, we never say that the money we removed from another part of the economy will kill some jobs.

Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is a "type of weevil.

This book is dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright, without whom air sickness would still be just a dream.

Greyhound Bus Lines motto: "We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards."

Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That's how tough they are.

It is a well- known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually, when it forms itself into large groups, it tends to act as though it has one partially consumed Pez tablet for a brain.

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Nobody understands how hard it is, being a captain.

Never trust anything you read in a travel article.