965 Quotes by David Letterman

Labour day is a great American holiday that peoplecelebrate by going out and buying products made in China

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

A high-level government agent was arrested today for selling secrets to Russia. They now have all of the exact locations of our back-to-school headquarters.

There is no off position on the genius switch.

We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton.

John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.

Bring Your Child to Work Day -- that's how we got George W. Bush.

Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.