965 Quotes by David Letterman

Love: You can’t start it like a car, you can’t stop it with a gun.

There’s some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.

There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush’s military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.

It’s so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early – is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It’s kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future – wait a minute, that’s me.

Here’s the plot of ‘Interstellar.’ Refugees – they’re known as Democrats – they’re looking for a new planet.

Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie ‘King Kong’ and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that’s Maria Shriver.

Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is ‘hair and unbalanced.’

Pamela Anderson is a great dancer considering she can’t see her feet.