965 Quotes by David Letterman

Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I’m thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn’t even get elected with the most votes?

Sarah Palin’s book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you.

Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, ‘Thank you, Oprah.’

Tomorrow is Election Day. It’s what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It’s the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote.

Here’s why Sarah Palin says she won’t be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that’s true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected.

Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, ‘Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.’

Wherever we’ve travelled in this great land of ours, we’ve found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she’s running in 2056.

CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we’re number three.