965 Quotes by David Letterman

Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I’m sorry but you’re going to have to give up your seats.

I’ll be honest with you. It’s beginning to look like I’m not going to get ‘The Tonight Show.’

In Hollywood, Oscar is king.

Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she’s too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, ‘Oh yeah? I’ll rip your throats out, you bastards.’

President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, ‘Don’t worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.’

Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It’s like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.

President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, ‘While you’re there, pick up your birth certificate.’

Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it’s time for fresh faces. So that’s good news for Bruce Jenner.

The world’s oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.