965 Quotes by David Letterman

I’m nothing if not an optimist.

The new ‘Mad Max’ movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in ‘Mad Max.’ I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like.

I’m still here. I knocked off another competitor.

Hey, guess who’s gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they’ll probably go with a different body.

Don’t forget it’s daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It’s like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There’s a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.

The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I’m thinking, good luck. They can’t even clean up their gas station restrooms.

Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she’s against death panels. And I thought, ‘Really? She’s the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.’