965 Quotes by David Letterman

You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt – and that’s just in the hot-dogs.

Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to ‘President Trump.’

If it wasn’t for coffee, I’d have no discernible personality at all.

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I’m telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

My political position is that I’m happy to be alive and in North America.

Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the ’90s when he starred on ‘Baywatch.’

Mitt Romney said he’s not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.

Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I’m telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one.

The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It’s being called ‘Operation Approval Ratings.’