965 Quotes by David Letterman

President Obama’s trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn’t work, by God, they’re going to send Seth Rogen and James Franco.

Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We’ll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.

How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he’d use Hair Force One.

Obama said they’ve had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I’ll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that’s a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God’s sake!

They found a cave once lived in by Osama bin Laden and the only thing in the cave were some boxer undershorts, and macaroni. I’m telling you, you add an old stack of Playboys, this could be my place. It’s like I have a twin.

Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they’re never going to work. Wait a minute., that sounds like this show.

President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out of Iraq. And now we’re back. But this time there is an exit strategy. Barack Obama has an exit strategy. In 2016, he’s gone.

I’ve had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.

I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there’s one thing we’ve learned from it’s that you can’t trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress – Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I’m telling you the list goes on.