965 Quotes by David Letterman

According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, ‘Mission Accomplished.’

Did you folks see President Bush’s State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he’s in the hands of interrogators.

John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you’re not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president.

Well, we’re just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he’s been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on ‘American Idol,’ wasn’t it?

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

Fathers Day, when you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.

Celebrities love the season of goodwill to all men. No need to put up Christmas lights—they just crank up the power on the electric fence until it's white hot.

At the Christmas office party, you're supposed to sit naked on the copier machine, not the shredder.