965 Quotes by David Letterman

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.

You're just a kid. You're 15 years old and like a world-class golfer, not a professional yet, but soon I would guess.

I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.

Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.

Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.

Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have never been indicted.

If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win? 1) Ricky Schroder 2) Gary Coleman 3) The television viewing public