965 Quotes by David Letterman

This just gives you an idea of what a big, big star this really is. She's huge. Put bygones behind us, the water under the bridge, over the dam, wherever water goes standing in your basement she's going to be here on this show and it's going to be fantastic.

Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.

We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that's a little high. The actual number is 2 million rats. That explains the light turnout for the midterm elections.

Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can't even get the intern to make me coffee!

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

This just gives you an idea of what a big, big star this really is, ... She's huge. Put bygones behind us, the water under the bridge, over the dam, wherever water goes standing in your basement she's going to be here on this show and it's going to be fantastic.

Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.