965 Quotes by David Letterman

Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president's chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What's the problem?

In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.

President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn't work, by God, they're going to send Seth Rogen and James Franco.

Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.

The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them.

You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

Hopefully it gives people a little bit of a shot in the arm right now, ... Hopefully this shows to some of the other kids and some from go-karts to circle track to whatever they are doing, that they can make it here and they can come here and win.

The ayatollah in Iran says he believes that he got the letter, but he thinks he accidentally threw it out with his Crate & Barrel catalog.