965 Quotes by David Letterman

Pamela Anderson is a great dancer considering she can't see her feet.

I'm a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.

Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China - oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum.

Snooki is now a published author. I'm blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.

According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'

And hold on, I'm sure they're pissed off about something.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.

Valentine's Day money-saving tips: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. In place of bubble bath, use lavender-scented dish-washing liquid. Forget rose petals. Sprinkle the bed with sliced beets!