965 Quotes by David Letterman

You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.

The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.

It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.

A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.

My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers.

You're not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don't you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it?

One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on FOX News.