965 Quotes by David Letterman

Childhood. I wish I had something to complain about.

In Hollywood, Oscar is king

I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.

When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.

Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.

Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.

Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide.

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.