965 Quotes by David Letterman

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.

Let me just say this: You know your campaign is not going well when you open a press conference by saying, 'I told you there would be more lewd photos'.

President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo.

Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.

Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.

Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield's other ear.

I pulled a hamstring during the New York City Marathon. An hour into the race, I jumped off the couch...

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.