965 Quotes by David Letterman

Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy - but now I know this guy is presidential material.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.

Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.

Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?'

The new 'Mad Max' movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in 'Mad Max.' I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like.

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.

In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put him over the top is a sex scandal.

Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.