965 Quotes by David Letterman

George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.

Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.

The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years.

I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.

What a big night that is going to be not only for us, not only for Oprah, but for Broadway. You have the big 'Color Purple' Broadway opening, and then right across the street here in this theater, you have Oprah appearing here. I mean, that's what Broadway is all about it's a street of dreams.

There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.