965 Quotes by David Letterman

I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins.

Now all of us can talk to the NSA -- just by dialing any number.

I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I'd consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That's enough. I've had my fun and I'm glad I quit.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.

What we know about Osama Bin Laden is this: he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and twenty-six kids -- and he hates Americans for their "excessive" lifestyle.

Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again.

Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one.