965 Quotes by David Letterman

I'll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me.

Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.

There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial.

You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.

Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie 'King Kong' and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver.

So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.

Theres not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesnt enjoy a tasty beverage.

Lesbians have never been more popular.

How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal.