965 Quotes by David Letterman

I'm so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas.

Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the '90s when he starred on 'Baywatch.'

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box.

The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami.

I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor.

You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?

Mitt Romney was a guest on 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. It's interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.

If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.