965 Quotes by David Letterman

Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.

They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.

Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.

John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either.

Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia.

They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.

Everyday is a compromise.

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.

Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?