965 Quotes by David Letterman

Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.

I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.

Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold's campaign has a new slogan: 'Win one for the groper.'

Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.

Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death -- though they say it's virtually impossible to get decent Chinese food.

Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.

President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out of Iraq. And now we're back. But this time there is an exit strategy. Barack Obama has an exit strategy. In 2016, he's gone.

How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.

Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.