965 Quotes by David Letterman

I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again,'

New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.

Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'

Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'

Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull.

I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.

Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.

It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.

You know who's also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That's a real good idea -- a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.