965 Quotes by David Letterman

President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.'

Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.

Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.

Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years.

It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?

It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they're finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can't get enough gridlock.

I don't know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I'm on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty?

Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.

Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show.