965 Quotes by David Letterman

When Martha gets out she'll be under house arrest in her big $40 million mansion in Bedford. Boy, that'll teach her. She's only allowed out of the house for doctors visits, grocery shopping, or to dump more stock.

Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.

The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?

You know, we had the elections earlier in the week, and a dead woman, in Pennsylvania, somehow was on the ballot and she was elected to city council. A dead woman actually elected! And I'm thinking, well, I guess there is still hope for Al Gore.

I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.

People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States - the Kardashians.

I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.

Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between.

In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?