965 Quotes by David Letterman

Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.

Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.

Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, 'We need one of these things around the White House.'

According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.

It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.

Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see anymore beady-eyed little weasels, I'll just keep riding the subway.

Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.

I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.

Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall.