965 Quotes by David Letterman

Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don't think that's the best way to go.

Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you.

Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.

The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It's being called 'Operation Approval Ratings.'

Keep in mind that your individual vote doesn't mean anything.

George W. Bush has a new campaign slogan: "A reformer with results." I don't know what it means [but] I think it's better than his old campaign slogan: "A dumb guy with connections.

Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.

Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.

Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!