965 Quotes by David Letterman

There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that's the first new job he's created since taking office.

You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.

Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? ... President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun

If you didn’t believe it before — and it’s easy to understand how you might have been sceptical on this point — if you didn’t believe it before, you can absolutely believe it now: New York City is the greatest city in the world.

Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.

The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In one of the commercials, you see George Bush for thirty seconds. In another commercial, you get to see George Bush for sixty seconds - kind of like his stint in the National Guard.

There's some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.

While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.

New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.