965 Quotes by David Letterman

Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.

I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show host, but I never want to be accused of being an arrogant, pompous showbiz asshole.

Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money.

Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'

This isn't brain surgery; it's just television.

Them bats is smart. They use radar!

Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league when he landed his gyrocopter on the White House lawn.

Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Iowa, virtually going door to door to every home in Iowa. Jehovah's Witnesses finally got fed up and said, 'Get lost. Get out of here!'