965 Quotes by David Letterman

Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.

Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he’s married to five of them.

Let’s stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies.

Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there’s a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick Perry heard that, he said, ‘Well that’s nothing. I like to execute people.’

Don’t worry. It’s just a flesh wound.

There’s only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe – because I’ve done a little of this myself – pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let ’em bloat!

Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying – because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she’s there listening.

You’ve got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.