965 Quotes by David Letterman

There’s a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There’s also a gravy shortage. It’s up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.

Do you know what I’m going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.

Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad’s a little different. You’re blindfolded but no cigarette.

They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the ’90s, and they’re studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.

They’re doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.

How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn’t London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here’s what happened. We got outbribed.

They’re saying President Obama doesn’t have any friends. The problem is that he can’t get Congress to approve one.

Valentine’s Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

It was stupid behaviour. And you take a look at the explosion, and it knocks you down and you wake up every morning and you’re scared and you’re depressed and sad, and you kind of got to let that knock you down and knock you down.