965 Quotes by David Letterman

John Boehner – doesn’t he look like every guy you’ve ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money.

There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn’t been two people on an airplane since the Wright brothers.

Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I’m giving my two-week notice.

Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It’s for the American Olympic team and it’s berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.

Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death – though they say it’s virtually impossible to get decent Chinese food.

Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don’t have any money in the stock market. I don’t have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.

Don’t kid yourself. Global warming is no joke. Here’s how serious global warming has gotten to be in the United States. In this country global warming is so bad, we are now actually starting to warm up to Barry Bonds.

Right after the show tonight, I’m going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents.

Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She’s here to announce her run for president.