965 Quotes by David Letterman

I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can’t do is throw coffee, I’ve said it over and over again!

President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.

Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold’s campaign has a new slogan: ‘Win one for the groper.’

Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, ‘We need one of these things around the White House.’

I hate decaffeinated coffee. It’s useless brown water.

Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, ‘How long has Mom been drinking like this?’ My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, ‘Here, kitty, kitty.’

When Martha gets out she’ll be under house arrest in her big $40 million mansion in Bedford. Boy, that’ll teach her. She’s only allowed out of the house for doctors visits, grocery shopping, or to dump more stock.

One day you’re the leader of Iraq, the next day you’re being checked for fleas on FOX News.

About half an hour before air time – that’s when I become hyper. I put everything else out of my mind and just let that nervous energy surge through my body. I start talking faster and louder. My confidence comes up. It’s actually a great feeling.