965 Quotes by David Letterman

The Pope also said that while he’s in town he would like to go see ‘The Book of Mormon.’

I don’t know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I’m on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty?

John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can’t name the foreign leaders. That’s all right, President Bush can’t name them either.

I’m a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.

The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne – out of the toilet.

I wish the iPhone people would design one that’s black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.

Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It’s a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He’s dead, then he’s alive, then dead, then alive. It’s just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.

This isn’t brain surgery; it’s just television.