965 Quotes by David Letterman

President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He’s going to rebuild the infrastructure. He’s going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he’ll try it here.

I’ll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me.

You’ll never catch a nudist with his pants down.

Barack Obama’s busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.

Trump says that if he’s elected, he won’t let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.

Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you’ve seen the polls, you know he’s not the only Bush in freefall.

There are so many flavors of Coke now – Coke with lemon, Coke with vanilla, Coke with lime, Cherry Coke, and they’ve just brought out another new flavor – Coke with Pepsi.

The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it’s better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America. We don’t care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.

Don’t use your bedroom for work, unless you’re a prostitute.