965 Quotes by David Letterman

President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice’s testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense – he wants to know what was going on, too.

I’m so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas.

I’m an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

Say what you will about Leona Helmsley, when it comes to standing trial, she’s twice the man Jim Bakker is.

George W. said he doesn’t watch television. And, of course, well – the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.

Don’t worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of ‘The Sunshine Boys’ with Jay Leno.

And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they’re saying? For the first time he’s starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don’t worry. He’s got a plan. He’s going to be to campaigning in Europe.

Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he’s certainly come to the right place. He’ll be fine here.

This will be Michelle Obama’s last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.