965 Quotes by David Letterman

You’re not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don’t you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it?

As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that’s just his hair.

Holyfield won the fight. It’s not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.

There is no off position on the genius.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don’t know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

Bad news, it’s going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps.

If it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move.

Let’s see what’s going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers – they are truly living the American Dream.