965 Quotes by David Letterman

For the love of God, folks, don’t try this at home.

It’s tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn’t we just pay taxes last year?

John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he’s only 33 and then he’ll be ready to go.

Privately I think that I’m not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people – Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I’m just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.

The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It’s voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he’s also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that’s how Hillary got rid of her emails.

What we know about Osama Bin Laden is this: he’s worth $300 million, he has five wives and twenty-six kids – and he hates Americans for their “excessive” lifestyle.

Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He’s going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.