965 Quotes by David Letterman

Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that’s me. I’m sorry, that’s me.

After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me – I don’t have a lifestyle.

New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn’t even fluent in English.

President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He’s going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.

Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.

It’s interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.

Here’s my problem. On Valentine’s Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.

What a day. It’s 53 and gloomy – like President Obama.

Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I’ll be Goggling ‘foods that improve prostate health.’