965 Quotes by David Letterman

Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver’s license.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade has new balloons this year including the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the first openly gay balloon. Also the Thomas Tank Engine balloon, and they even have the Ebola nurse balloon.

By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, ‘No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.’ And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her.

You know who’s also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That’s a real good idea – a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.

John Kerry went duck hunting and he’s doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.

Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He’s trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.

That’s the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don’t press the ball against your nose. The other one is don’t lick the pins.

Guess who’s running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?

It’s two days until tax time. I know it’s late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.