965 Quotes by David Letterman

United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We’re not too fond of luggage either.

Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It’s to get to know the people she’ll never, ever see again in her life.

Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China – oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum.

Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don’t confuse him with New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. That’s urban quagmire.

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can’t pronounce Schwarzenegger.

Here’s what the kids get. They get free McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I’m thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.

President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He’s been drinking again.

I’d do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it’s too cold.

Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women’s race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys on the street didn’t even have time to finish their catcalls.